Hot-Mess 9.76

I think about process a lot – efficiency.  I tend to arrange my errands, so they are in one clear route, with no back tracking and all right turns if possible.  I mean, we all know right turns are way more efficient when it comes to time, right?  My time as a ride-share driver, is no different.  Time is money and we should aim to be efficient.  I have a strategy around when I drive for a few reasons:

1.   I have a low tolerance for drunk people when I’m not one of them.
2. I have no desire to ever have to clean up someone else’s vomit in my car,  nor do I feel like         being arrested for assault on the jackass who vomits in MY car. 
3. I’m not trying to compromise my safety.  Nothing good happens after 11pm, y'all. 

However, most drivers will tell you that the best time to get a lot of fares is at night, when people are drinking.  I say… while you might be getting more fares, your risk of dealing with obnoxious, puking, directionally challenged, inebriated passengers is higher.  And it's a risk I'm not willing to deal with, so on the weekends, I drive in the early morning – the early morning rides tend to entertain me more.  I like the feeling of knowing that girl proudly wearing last nights makeup is making it home safely because of me.  I might not be able to do much about the look of regret in her eyes, but damnit, I’m helping her out!

A few months back, when I discovered the entertaining value of the early morning driving – I got a pick up request.  I’d say it was probably around 7am on a Sunday and was from a guy named Marcus.  I pull up to the address given and there’s a guy and girl standing in the driveway.  The girl has a tiny skirt on and heels – I’m guessing she’s not going to an early morning church service dressed like that.  They hug.  The girl gets in the car – on the “hot mess” scale, she was at about a 9.76. 

Me:  (as chipper as I can exclaim it…, people with hangovers either love or hate this, but their response tells me how I get to interact with them for the remainder of the ride) Goooood Morning!  Where we off to?

Hot-Mess 9.76 (since it was requested by Marcus, I have no idea what her name is):  Um, The Valley Hotel.

Me:  Alright, cool.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  Wait, um… are you like… um… a cab driver? 

Me:  Sort of.  I’m an Uber driver, it’s a ride share app.  This is my car.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  So I can give you cash?

Me:  No, it’s all on the app.  I start the trip.  I get you to your destination and then I end the trip. 

Hot-Mess 9.76:  So I can’t give you cash?

Me:  No, it’s all attached to Marcus’ account.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  Ok, can you transfer it to me?  I don’t have that app, but I’ll download it really quick.

Me:  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.  I mean, you can certainly download it to use later, but this trip is attached to Marcus’ account.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  So, you can’t transfer it to me?  How am I supposed to pay you?

Me (getting frustrated with her inability to understand that this ride is on Marcus):  It’s attached to Marcus’ account and his credit card.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  Wait, who’s Marcus?

Me (reveling in how classic the previous reply was): Pretty safe to say that Marcus was that guy in the driveway you just hugged goodbye.

Hot-Mess 9.76  (obviously feeling like a bit of a hussy):  Oh, hahaha.  Wait!!!  HE’S paying for this?!  Sweeeeeeeet!

Clearly this girl hasn’t come across any gentlemen in the past and needs to be excited.  Her excitement quickly turns to greed, however.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  So cool.  Can you tip yourself on his account too?

Me:  Yea, it seems like Marcus is a real gent, huh?  No, sadly, I can’t add tips to his account.  I can, however, accept cash tips.

Hot-Mess 9.76:  Crap, I don’t have any cash. 

I drop hot-mess 9.76 off at the Hotel Valley – as she stumbles to her car, I shake my head.  One because I know I’ve been there, we’ve all been there.  Two because I realize that my car has now taken on the smell of last nights vodka which she was obviously sweating out – she probably should have hung out with Marcus a little longer before she decided to operate a motor vehicle. 

Lessons learned: 

1.  While remembering names might not be your thing, practice.  You never know when you might run into Marcus again and need to thank him for his kindness. 

2.  You’re not fooling anyone with that short skirt, heels and mascara smear on your face.  We all know what you were doing last night.  And this morning.